Know-It-Alls come in all shapes and size. Whether its in religion, family affairs or just random advice… there is always that special someone we know that loves to show-off their Wikipedia skills.

Wrong Direction

Occasionally, praying in a park or at a banquet hall could yield problems. There is always grumblings that the Qibla is towards this way, that way or over yonder. Unfortunately, Captain Compass usually emerges to silence everyone.


He is obviously the only person who has a compass app on his smart phone so we should abandon our primitive methods of finding the Qibla, like using obvious road directions or figuring which ways the shadows are facing, and instead use this never-been-wrong-before technology! Pay heed primitive peons!

Captain Compass will start telling everyone to pray in Direction X because that’s what his app says. Then one minute later the app will point to a completely different direction for kicks. Must be that shirky magnetic interference.

But Captain Compass doesn’t know when to quit.




Wrong Healthy-Living

Trying to get in shape? Shed some pounds? Want to start eating healthy? You’re in luck… you might not realize this but half of your Facebook friend list are experts on this very topic!


Hamzah’s Healthy-Living advice… guaranteed to work:

1. On your friend list, find the person who sources the least scientific and/or most sleazy ‘health’ articles
2. Ask for genuine health advice from said dummy
3. Do the complete opposite
4. Get instant results or your money back!

Smells like a best-selling diet book in the making.

Wrong Parenting

Well hello there new parent! Put down those heathen parenting magazines and shun those parenting blogs. According to Aunty Parenting Weekly (APW), you’re probably raising your child to be the devil incarnate if you keep listening to those hippies.

Throw out those pacifiers! APW says that’s a baby biddah.

Bathe your child in peppers and egg yolk… that will drive away the negative energy (obviously).

Shave your kid’s head before the first day of school… we must protect them from the evil eye!

All this can be found in this month’s issue of APW:


APW wouldn’t dish out all this advice if they didn’t have an impeccable resumé. I mean their kids might be a tad bratty and don’t listen to anyone but that is ONLY because their personality is bursting with ‘independence’.
“But look at the fairness of their skin” boasts APW. Sure, their kids might climb up walls Exorcist-style or have the attention span of a goldfish, but at least their kids have beautiful eyebrows.

Wrong Fiqh

Apparently, we don’t need Islamic scholars anymore. Not when there is someone who has the power of Google and Wikipedia at their fingertips.

For some reason, the way I pray outright OFFENDS some Muslims who apparently think I’m ignoring Sahih Hadith that they’ve found by scouring an Online Hadith Database (hey, hitting the “Search” button is no easy task). They might not know Arabic, and haven’t read a single book in their entire lives but who cares… the ability to read translations of Sahih Hadith gives them the authority to correct your oh-so-wrong prayer.

I haven’t figured it out but they’ll only confront me on chat:

Hamzah: But I’m praying this way because my teachers in fiqh taught it this way…
Internet Scholar: Have your “teachers” read this Hadith? It says the opposite. [copy-paste Hadith into chat window]
Hamzah: Wow. Thousands of scholars have dedicated their lives in learning and teaching fiqh… I can’t believe they missed out on this Hadith. You must be some sort of genius.
Internet Scholar: I am mashAllah

May Allah (SWT) protect these Internet Scholars from shoddy internet connections and inconsistent router activity so they can continue to sound intelligent at all times.

This article originally appeared on Maniac Muslim.

Written by Maniac Muslim

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I’m a satirist. Since a lot of you don’t know what that is … it’s essentially someone who writes funny stuff. Or supposedly funny stuff. Nothing is done here to mock Islam. Just Muslims who do weird stuff that aren’t so Muslim-like. If you’re confused and/or angry then close your internet browser, pray two nafl and take a nap.