“I’m Not Going to Marry a Divorced Woman”

I remember a conversation I had with a male friend a few years back. He was looking for a wife but “despairing” at the women he was being introduced to. “Why? What’s wrong with them?” I asked, imagining a line-up of 3-headed mutants, “Most of them are divorced!” he exclaimed with a disgusted shudder.

So today, I just want to get it out there and talk about this issue because this really is becoming a widespread problem. And, no, I don’t mean divorce, I mean the narrow-minded, judgmental and just plain arrogant way our community treats its female divorcees.

It’s plain sickening.

I have spoken to sisters who have been told not to mention their divorced status to potential suitors (because lying is a great start to any marriage). I have also met countless sisters who have been rejected or just plain overlooked because they have been married before.

And let’s not forget our divorced sisters with children, they may as well be wearing a cow bell and a sign that says “untouchable”.

What is it our men — and their families — are so afraid of when it comes to marrying a divorcee?

Is it the time old assumption that she is somehow a “bad woman”, because she “allowed” her marriage to fail? (Let’s face it, it’s always assumed to be the woman’s fault). Is it the fear that she has had experience of marriage and is now more clued up and less likely to be coerced?

Is it the idea that she’s slept with another man already and this kills your pride? Or do you feel that your sperm, DNA and family bloodline are so precious that you cannot possibly have a hand in the upbringing of a child who is not your own?

The worst part is that we are allowing, and even perpetuating, this cruel notion that a divorced woman is a not desirable spouse. I have seen online matrimonial profiles (that have passed the website’s checks!) that clearly state “please no divorcees”. I even saw one once that said “ I’m not about to raise kids and keep a woman who someone else doesn’t want”.

Is your blood boiling yet?

It should be. If not then there’s more.

As a singles coach I regularly scout the marriage events scene looking for opportunities to help Muslim women meet marriage partners. However, I have come across so many organisers who are reluctant to admit divorcees.

One organizer even said that she only deals in “high class people” who fall under the category of doctors, lawyers and other professionals and that she does not deal with divorcees. Because you can’t possibly be a professional and a divorcee right? And yes I know that guys are divorced too but let’s not be naive here. We all know about the good old double standards. If he’s a guy with a good job, his own home and a car this overrides any possible prejudice faced over his divorced status. Add to this the fact that his children probably live with his ex wife, suddenly he’s a great catch.

The saddest part is that a lot of these guys who are rejecting divorcees purely on the basis of their divorced status are proud to say that they follow the sunnah of the Prophet (saw).

They will happily grow a beard, they will eat with their right hand, they will put their right shoe on first and all the other parts of the sunnah they feel comfortable to follow. But talk about them marrying a woman who has been married before and suddenly they are above the example of the Prophet (saw)!

The divorced woman is not naive or high maintenance, she knows what marriage is about and her expectations of it are real. She is not after your money or assets, she probably has her own. And she has had experience at dealing with conflict and has learnt many valuable lessons from her previous marriage.

A divorced sister is only divorced from her husband not from the entire ummah so let’s end this nonsense now!

Written by SorayaSingles


Helping single Muslim women worldwide go from single to engaged!

  • outer_rl

    “Is it the idea that she’s slept with another man already and this kills your pride? Or do you feel that your sperm, DNA and family bloodline are so precious that you cannot possibly have a hand in the upbringing of a child who is not your own?”

    “If he’s a guy with a good job, his own home and a car this overrides any possible prejudice faced over his divorced status. Add to this the fact that his children probably live with his ex wife, suddenly he’s a great catch.”

    So, when women are after financial security, whilst men are after purity and a family of their own children, why do you think men are the problem here? Is a desire for money inherently more morally worthy than a desire to perpetuate your family bloodline?

    • Caoimhe

      It’s almost like you don’t understand sarcasm

      • outer_rl

        My impression was that the writer is criticising male cultural attitudes. Do you read into it differently?

        • Aisha

          The writer was obviously being sarcastic. She was pointing out the double standard found in cultures where a divorced man does not face the same scrutiny as a divorced woman.

  • zaujababa2 .

    from my experience, i find this to be much more of a problem in immigrant communities, especially the Desi community…

  • mgtow

    Men are not as shallow as some women.
    It’s funny you should say this considering it’s written by a woman.
    The expectations’ for a man are ridiculous in this day and age, you have to have your own house or a good job and a fancy car.
    Ironically these expectation were even coming from divorced women also, the fact of the matter is a man will accept a woman for who she is but a woman will even look at the stupidest things like height, degree, yes stability is important but it’s down to the individual’s actions and responsibilities that will determine a good marriage.
    Divorced men get a higher chance of marriage because they settle fir anything and don’t have high expectations.

  • Barbara Filaih

    Nobody has bothered asking women why they divorce. I’m not suggesting women engaging in mud slinging. We need to address the elephant in the room forced marriages. Parents wanting their children to marry a relative from ‘back home’ they assume because he/she is a relative that there won’t be any problems. The person’s behaviour or deen are never taken into consideration. On the hand there are many convert women who bully other converts into marrying a ‘good’ man. Praying all the prayers and growing a beard down to the waist is a stupid criteria that qualifies someone as a good man. Some men feel entitled to have an affair with a non Muslim, then marry her because he’s entitled to a second wife under Sharia law. Many women experience domestic violence both from their husband and his family. Women are living in fear because they don’t want to give Islam a bad name. Some men think it’s fine to dump their wives and children on welfare and go back to their countries of origin & take another wife. The community doesn’t give a toss about the welfare of these women who inevitably end up going back to their families (in the case of reverts) and leave Islam. Some sisters end up ‘prostituting’ themselves out in the form of temporary marriages. Sometimes men who move to Europe to study will marry a divorced sister and use her until he’s finished his studies, then dump her and go back to his country as if nothing ever happened. Every Ramadan we pay Zakat which is used to help needy Muslims living abroad. In 30 years I have never heard of a charity being set up to help divorced women. If a woman is a widow she will get sympathy even if her husband was a tyrant. I volunteer feeding the homeless in Dublin and the majority are migrants. One sister is staying in a hotel with her children. She’s breastfeeding her son and is forced to stay out until 8 pm. How many of our sisters and their children are homeless as a result of divorce? The last point I want to make is a man who is a lawyer or a doctor is just as capable of domestic violence as any other man. Their status doesn’t prevent them from being jerks.

  • Abdullah Jamaykee

    This attitude of not marrying a divorced women amongst the Muslims is purely a PAKISTANI & BENGALI problem let’s just be real I’m a Jamaican Muslim from london and marrying a divorced women is the NORM amongst Black converts, White converts why Because we practise ISLAM not culture
    I relay don’t see what the big deal is in marrying a divorced women.
    When I and majority of practising Muslims look for a wife first thing is (1) her religion, does she pray, is she a practicing Muslim observing correct hijab (jilbab or Abayya) is her father a racist ect ect, what puts off a practising brother is Scarf & jeans, Not correct Islamic clothing of a Muslim woman.
    Being Divorced doesn’t even concern me & converts I’ve met over the past 15 odd years

  • Mahmet

    Dear .asian ladies
    Hello . happy day to all y

    I am mahmet from Turkey I am 57 age 167 cm 74 kgr green eye . I like mountain. forest. valley. hill. sea. lake. tree. garden. babies and baby animal . peom write and singing. I like teknology. mechanic system machine . triditional life. and mature
    I m divorced I am calm and patience person. I m not stıbborn
    I like only asian woman vietnam Chinese . thai. korean.japan. malay etc.
    I want marriage and go to new wife to her near.. I am looking for woman love and feminine like. . I want very honest heart woman

    I have wechat. and line same ID mediya1961

    QQ. 358 471 01 93

    email. mediya@asia.com

    Tel. +90-505-514-95-75 cell.mobike DT+ZALO

    I am looking for marriage

  • Naz Nouman

    But you didn’t specify whether the guy was divorced himself or had he never been married?

    I don’t see anything wrong with certain preferences when you have a justifiable reason for not wanting them. So a never married man is perfectly within his right to not want to marry a divorced woman, there are plenty of never married women out there who equally don’t want to marry a divorced man. It could be because they are virgins and don’t want to marry a non-virgin, or they don’t want to marry someone who has baggage or they don’t want to be someones second love – lets be honest here, many of us have been romanticised by Hollywood/Bollywood movies and TV shows and the thought of being someones back-up or your spouse still pining for their ex can be a huge put-off to many people who have never been married before. And then theres always the dreaded fear that your twice-married spouse will spend the remainder of your married life always mentally comparing you to his/her ex. And who wants that? That is hardly fair on you.

    So like I said, if he has never been married then its perfectly fair for him to want a never married woman. Its only a cheek if he was a divorced guy rejecting a divorced woman… which to this day I have never actually heard of. I have however heard of at least two guys with children (one a divorcee and one who had one in a haram relationship) who had the audacity to say they’d prefer to marry a woman without kids. Hardly surprising though but still a complete cheek!