4 frightening Muslim phobias

What do Muslims fear?
“Allah” says Captain Obvious.

I mean, what are Muslims afraid of… like gives us the heebie jeebies in today’s world? Personally, I’m afraid of public bathrooms. Always had nightmares about creeps peering from underneath. Other people? Well I did a quick survey and found four of the most typical Muslim phobias:

1) Dogs

I don’t really know what it is about dogs that scares Muslims. Whenever you see someone walking their dog down the street, Muslims would rather run across the road and face oncoming traffic then to walk around an innocent looking dog.


Is it the whole dog saliva is najas (unclean) thing? My motto is hate the saliva, not the saliva-carrier. I know people that would make wudu 10 times because a dog made eye contact with them.

If you’re in a predominantly Muslim neighbourhood, dress up as a dog for Halloween to hear some hilarious screams. Not that you would get candy from any of those homes to begin with… we’re generous to the poor, not trick-or-treaters.

2) Secret Service

Sometimes it feels like my phone is tapped by the Secret Service. Their job: to spy on Muslims so they can learn of our apparent shadiness. I just think it must suck to do years of university, a bunch of entry tests, some strenuous physical exams only to spend a living spying on boring ol’ Muslims.


I mean honestly. 99.9% live really normal lives with nothing eventful happening at all. If an agent wants to spy on young 20 something Muslim males, all they’d find are chat logs upon chat logs of marriage discussions with ‘potentials’. I mean, I’d love to have a job to help out some fellow Muslim brothers. Maybe interject some lines that would make Romeo jealous:

hijabiqueen8737: Abdullah, I really miss you. Can you please book a banquet hall already for the wedding?
[hacked] king_abdullah191: I have booked a banquet hall for us… in my heart.
hijabiqueen8737: AWWWWWWW!!! That’s so sweet!!! <3
king_abdullah191: … back from prayer… what the.
hijabiqueen8737: omg i had no idea you were this romantic!!
king_abdullah191: neither did I.

3) Evil Eye

Magic/jealousy/nazr/sihr/evil eye… whatever it is, it’s definitely real. You know, when someone tells you “omg nice new shirt” then WHAM! A nasty grape juice stain on the shirt. Another person tells you, “omg what a beautiful new white cat” then WHAM! Another grape juice stain… on the cat.

But it just seems Muslims blame the evil eye on everything.

“OMG, we got a scratch on the car!”
“It’s no big deal… it’s really small.”
“Who? What? Huh?”
“But she said mashAllah when we got it?”
“yeah but the way she said mashAllah… I could tell she didn’t mean it. She’s malicious like that.”

Turkish folks tend to use this freaky amulet to ward off evil:


I don’t know about you, but a giant eyeball isn’t my cup of tea for protection. Speaking of giant eyeballs…

4) Illuminati

Ah, the mother of all fears… the ones that control everything. Apparently. They’re somehow related to the Freemasons I can’t remember… I read about it in Angels & Demons or The Da Vinci Code or Where’s Waldo.

pyreye1 (1)

Yawn. I think when Muslims watch too many crazy videos on YouTube it causes our brains to go funny and believing in things that aren’t really there. Like your microwave is part of the Illuminati plan to bring about the anti-Christ. And your curtains. And the clouds. And Maniac Muslim.

I think there’s a fairy tale where if you go into the bathroom, turn off the lights and say “Illuminati, Illuminati, Illumintati” three times while facing the mirror, it’ll bring about about the Dajjal (one eye, all-seeing eye, evil eye) by orchestrating a Jewish takeover of the world by forcing people to walk their dogs at 8pm every night while the Secret Services spy on their homes. It’s all connected, I knew it!

Hogwash. I just did it right now. I’m still fine. Hey, what’s that sound? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

This article originally appeared on Maniac Muslim.

Written by Maniac Muslim

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I’m a satirist. Since a lot of you don’t know what that is … it’s essentially someone who writes funny stuff. Or supposedly funny stuff. Nothing is done here to mock Islam. Just Muslims who do weird stuff that aren’t so Muslim-like. If you’re confused and/or angry then close your internet browser, pray two nafl and take a nap. http://maniacmuslim.com/